You see, we moved over a year ago. Up until this last move, our final move as it were since my husband is now retired, we had been very fortunate. All of our moving experiences previously had been quite pleasant. Sure, we had some minor damage here and there, but nothing that we even filed a claim for. That is a pretty good run for an entire career of military service, right? And then we had some difficult decisions to make concerning the last year of my husband’s service; to stay in Arizona with him, together as a family, or for the girls and I to go ahead and move to our forever location so that our oldest could start high school in the same town she would finish. We bought a camper, got permission to have our household goods (HHG’s) moved 14 months prior to his separation date, and moved out of housing to live in the camper for a few months to save some money in advance of the costly proposition of geo-baching. We made the decision to live apart for an entire school year. We have never regretted that decision. It was absolutely the right one for our family, and for our daughter. 

What that meant is that the moving company would be storing our HHG’s for several months before then transporting them to our final destination. Apparently, once in storage, they moved it to another storage facility where a second moving company took control of our belongings. Then, a third company transported them. And a fourth delivered them. During the summer, we moved the girls and I to Florida and awaited our delivery. It was a disaster. Every single one of my antiques suffered damage. Boxes were all but crushed. Boxes were missing. One half of the BACK of one of our couches was MISSING. Just, gone. Part of my grandmother’s china was gone. The mirror to our bedroom furniture, the first set of furniture my parents ever bought brand new in their marriage (and then passed down to us), was damaged beyond repair. Pieces of furniture were literally in pieces. It was shocking and heartbreaking. I had to take day-long, week-long breaks between unpacking any more belongings because I was crushed every time I opened a new box. Over $16,000 worth of damage/loss, and many things that just simply didn’t have a financial value.  

But our Christmas boxes were all there. Whew. Right? Last year we didn’t go full-out decorating because, frankly, it was all I could do to put up a tree and a few ornaments because life was a bit crazy and, besides, we were flying to AZ to spend the entire Christmas break in the camper with my husband. So I believed all my Christmas stuff was fine. It was all there. 

I was wrong. This year, we were thrilled that we would all be home together for the holidays. The  girls each have a tree in their room, we have Brendon’s Tree (benefiting Ronald McDonald House) in the dining room, and then our family tree in the living room. Every year, this is my FAVORITE activity. Unwrapping years of memories and hanging them on the tree. Every single year the girls get ornaments from us, from family members… it’s a big deal. If we travel somewhere as a family that year, we buy an ornament to commemorate the occasion. 

As we were unpacking all of the Christmas ornaments, I kept thinking, “Wait. This isn’t all of them, is it?” No. No it wasn’t. Now, 3 days later and me tearing this house apart thinking somehow I had stashed a box somewhere and just forgotten, I have realized that an entire box of my memories are just gone. Gone forever. 

The Mickey Mouse music ceramic piece my father gave to me 20 years ago. Ornaments I had as a child. My oldest daughter’s first Christmas ornament, given to her by her adoring Aunt. My youngest daughter’s first ornament given to her by us. The glass red heart from the Ronald McDonald House in Fort Worth given to me to honor my late nephew, Brendon. My Marine Corps Wife ornament from my husband. Several nutcrackers we had started collecting as a family tradition, to include my FSU one I loved. So many ornaments from different people. And 3 pieces of our Christmas village that my parents had painted with my oldest over the years. All of them irreplaceable and incredibly valuable to our family.

Tonight we finally put up our family tree and placed the ornaments we have left on it. We do have some memories to hold on to. For that, I am grateful. My memory is pretty terrible. Every year I look forward to opening the boxes and actually remembering certain things that certainly would escape me otherwise. We finished, we put our angel on top… and then I sat and sobbed. I am devastated. Heart broken.

And yes, I realize it’s just “stuff”. I realize that at least my family is together, and that is what really matters. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of desperation for people who truly lose everything due to a fire, or a flood, or any other terrible circumstance. 

But, you know what? I am also FUMING and so damn mad I could punch a wall. Here’s the thing, dear moving companies. You were paid to do a job. Yes, mistakes happen… but this happens to military families CONSTANTLY. Things are broken, destroyed, just go missing… all of the time. And you continue not to care. It continues to happen at an alarming rate, and yet you are still allowed to be trusted with the belongings of military members and their families. And I have no doubt it happens when you are moving stuff for families not associated with the military. It’s not okay, no matter who you are doing this to. 

You are not just hurting people financially, you are disrespecting their memories. They TRUST you with years of memories and you seem not to care. Not one damn bit.

This should be criminal. Honestly, that is how I feel right now. Were we reimbursed for our loss? Yeah. Kind of. We finally settled our claim because I was just done with the whole thing. We received a little over $4000 for that $16,000 worth of damages. Did I make sure to log my complaint with the proper folks? Yes. But it doesn’t matter. People have been making complaints for years and this still happens. Are we hurting because we lost so much that we couldn’t replace it? No. A friend gave us a great couch they were no longer using, we have replaced a few things and have just dealt with the fact that some things are gone. I thought I had gotten past it. 

But the ornaments? I can’t ever get past it. And I will never forgive myself for letting them touch my precious memories. We have always moved boxes of sentimental things ourselves, and we did with this final move. I just wasn’t thinking of Christmas in April. 

My heart is broken, I feel violated, disrespected and, honestly, sick.

So what do we do? Here is my advice to anyone, military or not, who ever has to move. Do it yourself. Put them out of business and just move it all on your own. Or at the very least, only allow them to move things that are truly replaceable: a couch, a TV, your entertainment center. Anything else that holds any sentimental value at all… move it yourself. Going overseas? Leave those things with a trusted friend or family member until you return. 

I am not kidding here. Let’s put them OUT of business. Do whatever you can… move your goods yourself.

And if, by chance, you are reading this and you got a random box of someone else’s memories delivered to you in the summer of 2015… please email me at manykindregards@gmail.com I would be forever grateful.​

Many Kind Regards,
Erin

​Warning: This post contains political type stuff. I use the words Republican, Democrat, election, George Bush, Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton and *shudder* Donald Trump. Reader discretion is advised.

*I feel like there should be a smiley emoji here, but it seems weird in a blog post. So, just imagine it, mmmmkkk?*

This morning I had a dream. I was in a bar and an older gentleman walked in, came over to me, called me by name and gave me a huge bear hug. It was former President of the United States, George W. Bush. He asked me about my family, how they were all doing, and I talked to him about the Invictus Games. It was a delightful exchange between friends.

Photo Credit: Stephen Pearce

When was the last time you listened to a piece of music? For the large majority of us, the answer will be within the last day, hour, or even minute. Music is all around us everyday; we hear it on the radio, it is a part of the commercials we see on TV, it is playing while we shop for groceries. Many of us have an extensive list of music we listen to and adore on a regular basis. 

Music has always been a huge part of my life. It was not simply something in the background, but was a craft I have learned, studied, and enjoyed since early childhood. Growing up in a family of music educators meant there was always music being sung, played, or performed in my world. In my own family, it is the same. My girls are both musical beings. My teenager sings, plays the oboe, and is now a member of a marching band where she plays percussion. My toddler sings constantly and enjoys hearing her big sister practice or perform. Entering my house at any time of the day means you are likely to hear singing from myself or my toddler, scales being practiced on the oboe, tinkering on the piano, or one of us figuring out the time signature to a piece on the radio and conducting from the living room. Our Friday night routine has, of late, consisted of attending home and away football games and finding a seat as close to the band as possible without embarrassing my oldest. I do enjoy football, but let me be honest: we are there to hear the band. From the first cadence as they march into the stadium, through the National Anthem, during the half-time show, all the way until they play their final cadence of the night before they are dismissed…we are there, soaking it all in.

It soothes my soul. Yes, even the boisterous sounds of the drum line and the brass. It is loud. It is heart-pounding…and it is my therapy.

I have always known the benefits of music education and therapy. I saw it in action as my parents taught music in their schools and were music therapists for specials needs children and adults. My connection with the Center for American Military Music Opportunities as a member of the American Military Spouses Choir has shown me the many benefits that music has in the healing and treatment of military personnel as they combat the effects of PTSD and TBI. Studies have shown the incredible power that music can have on the mind, body, and spirit. We all know this instinctively: we play music when we are sad, hurting, celebrating, or rejoicing. It helps us cope and heal.

Recently, I have begun to see an even more powerful influence of music education as I watch my daughter and her fellow band students work hard week after week to improve their half-time show in preparation for competition. Not only do I continue to see the benefits of music education for our kids, but I can now say that I consider it a NECESSITY in our schools.

Music education is a NEED, not a WANT.

Let’s just start with a few ways that music education is beneficial to children:

Enhances language development
Improves memorization skills
Fosters a desire for excellence
Increases hand-eye coordination
Boosts self-esteem and confidence
Keeps children engaged in school
Contributes to intellectual development
Encourages the use of imagination
Helps kids relax and fight stress
Teaches discipline and work ethic
Develops creative thinking ability
Teaches the benefit of teamwork

From personal experience, I can tell you that those things all hold true.

Music education programs have long fought to be a part of the conversation in our public school system. Programs are being cut or scaled down and funding is being slashed, causing parents and students to need to raise money themselves in order to keep a band or chorus running. When school systems struggle with financial needs, the arts and music seem to be first on the chopping block. I get it. We must have math and reading. We must have teachers. Many schools find themselves in a tough spot.

But I believe that music can become a target because even though we may understand the benefits of having some kind of music in our schools, we don’t see it as a NEED. Certainly that need can be filled by simply offering an after school club, or a music appreciation course, right? I don’t think so. I believe that when we remove or diminish the music programs in our school we are doing students a major disservice.

My daughter’s band program is top-notch. In addition to the many football games, concerts, pep rallies, etc. they perform each year, they participate in several competitions. On average, the band students spend an average of 300 hours after school, on the weekends, or in the summer, rehearsing and performing with the program JUST for marching season. That does not include the time they spend at home practicing their own instruments. I have had folks question why I would want my daughter to be in such an intense program that takes up so much of her life.

Why? Because it is making her a better student, a more confident young woman, improving her mental health, and preparing her to be a pretty incredible adult.

That’s a lot to expect out of a music program, right? No. It’s really not. It’s happening in music programs all over the country.

When I drive by the band rehearsals in the early evening I see the kids on the field warming up. In addition to musical warm ups, they are out there running, doing burpees, sweating their tails off so they are physically conditioned. When I am around the students at school during my volunteer hours, they are respectful and kind to the adults in their presence. The parents who are also there volunteering their time seem to genuinely enjoy being around a large group of teenagers and work their tails off to make sure the needs of such a large program are met. When the director speaks, he communicates to the kids a need for professionalism, respect for one another and hard work. He demands excellence from them. And you know what? They give it. They rise to the occasion and continue to get better each week.

And my daughter is thriving as a member of this intense program. I can tell a huge difference in the way she carries herself with more confidence, she is more focused on her academics than ever before, and after suggesting I take her out of school for a day when her Dad would be in town visiting, she insisted that no, she wanted to go to school. She does not want to miss a single day if it can be avoided. She was the new kid on the block this summer when we moved here, and like many kids in that situation, was incredibly nervous about starting school. Being a part of this band program means she has an instant family and already has a great group of friends. Friends who share a love of music and are expected to strive for excellence, respect one another, work hard, and put their best foot forward on a daily basis. Additionally, she doesn’t have the time or energy to even consider getting into trouble.

As a parent, I am thrilled. I don’t think I am alone. I hear from other parents who have children in this program or similar ones across the country and they all echo similar sentiments. One of my dear friends from high school (we were in band together) wrote this today:

“Every year our high school has their Winter Showcase. Band, chorus, strings (violin, viola, cello), guitar, dance are all featured in beautiful performances. (It is presented much like the Prism Concert at FSU, complete with the marching band entering at the end.) I cry. Every year, I cry. My oldest son went through four years of band (seven if you count middle school), and now my younger son is in his senior year of chorus. I will cry this year as well. The reason I cry is the overwhelming feeling of awe at the thought that most of these students are performing based solely on skills they have acquired in public school. It's overwhelming. And had they not had this experience during their middle and high school years, they might never have known their own talents, or been exposed to various types of music. These kids are truly talented. And beautiful. And smart. And dedicated. And when you put them all together, it's almost miraculous.”

Yes, miraculous indeed.

Recently I took a volunteer position with the band boosters and am now overseeing the fundraising efforts. I was a bit shell-shocked to realize the sheer amount of funding that band programs like ours require just to continue providing this kind of program to the students. Sure, could the program skip out on one or two competitions or skip having the kids perform marching down Main Street at Disney World this year? Of course. We wouldn’t need to raise as much money. But these kids have risen to a challenge of excellence that deserves the opportunity to showcase their talents. We are committed to making sure that the program has all of the support it needs.

Music programs all over the country are doing the same. There are many different activities that benefit our youth and they all deserve our support. Today I want to ask you to consider finding a way to support music education in your local school system. Your investment of funds, time, or resources can go a long way in helping music programs continue to grow and provide opportunities for their students to continue to excel.

Many Kind Regards,
Erin Whitehead
Band Mom
Creator, MKR

Check out other great content at Many Kind Regards:

Sometimes you just really need to take a break from your job, right? Well my job just so happens to be in an online space, so when I take a break I tend to partially unplug. I say partially because my family and friends are still very much in an online space, being spread out all over the world, so I feel a bit too disconnected if I am completely unplugged. For me, just being very passive on social media, not really engaging or reading up on any hot topics…that is enough to kind of give me a break and allow me to recharge.

After a few days of my recent break I returned home and rested up a little by catching up on my trusty Facebook feed. And I saw chattering that - I am not even going to lie - stopped my heart for a brief moment: folks were calling for a boycott of Target.

What? No!!!

I don’t know about you, but I love Target. There is just nothing better to me, as a mom, than a two hour block of time where I can leave the kids with a trusted adult, go enjoy a Starbucks, browse the aisles for gorgeous home decor that I don’t need, save some money on some high-quality store brands, and then not have to wait in line for 30 minutes to checkout. (I’m not gonna name any names here… but we all know this is NOT the experience in many other stores, kids in tow or not.)

The thought that Target would have done something that might warrant an outrage and subsequent need for me to do the “right thing” and no longer shop there had me reaching for a glass of wine. And then I clicked on a few articles that explained why some individuals or groups are calling on folks to boycott my favorite mommy sanctuary.

Apparently, Target has announced its plans to stop gender labeling certain products in their stores. Barbies and GI Joes will no longer be separated by an aisle and Disney’s Cars will sit right next to Cinderella on the shelf of movies in the entertainment section. If you want the entire statement written by Target, you should absolutely check it out here. If you want to read a lot of speculation and over-reaching about some secret plot that Target has to make sure your little boy wears high-heels to kindergarten or that you will no longer be able to find tampons after they are placed next to the power tools…well, just scroll down your newsfeed for two seconds.

It only took me about 10 minutes of reading to discover that, apparently, Target is plotting to make all of our kids homosexuals, they are bowing to the “left”, and are in cahoots with Obama. Funny. I thought they just wanted to sell me over-priced coffee while I try to decide which gorgeous throw pillow will look great on my couch.

Listen, I get it. Political correctness can run amuck, and in some cases it has. BUT take out the “political” part of that phrase and look at what you have: “Correct.” That is not a scary word. It is not “political correctness” to stop using a racial slur, or to make sure we don’t assume all soldiers are men, or to take down a flag that has been used as a symbol of hate. Maybe it is just the right, civil, and KIND thing to do.

Some folks are really upset that Target is supposedly bowing to political pressure so that they do not offend the transgender community. But that is NOT what Target said. In the statement they released, Target said the following:

“But we never want guests or their families to feel frustrated or limited by the way things are presented. Over the past year, guests have raised important questions about a handful of signs in our stores that offer product suggestions based on gender. In some cases, like apparel, where there are fit and sizing differences, it makes sense. In others, it may not. Historically, guests have told us that sometimes—for example, when shopping for someone they don’t know well—signs that sort by brand, age or gender help them get ideas and find things faster. But we know that shopping preferences and needs change and, as guests have pointed out, in some departments like Toys, Home or Entertainment, suggesting products by gender is unnecessary.”

That makes perfect sense to me. Of course, when buying clothing items, or personal care products, it makes sense to separate by gender. Target is not suggesting that bras and jockstraps should live on the same rack and there is no danger of a “slippery slope” in the future. What they are saying is that the world has changed and boys play with dolls and girls play with trucks, so why not put them on the same shelf?

What is the problem here? Do we not spend a great deal of time telling girls they can be ANYthing they want to be when they grow up? They can be a brain surgeon, or a construction worker, or a ballerina if they choose. Do we not spend a great deal of time making sure boys understand the same? They can go into nursing, become a baker, or work on Wall Street.

We now raise our children to have these choices that transcend gender. Most of us agree that is a positive step for our kids, our country, and the world. We don’t tell women that being a construction worker means you can’t still love to wear heels and put on lipstick. We do not tell men that in order to be a baker one must force themselves to watch romantic comedies instead of football…unless, of course, that is what they enjoy.

So why are we up in arms when a store decides that there are many products they offer that perhaps both men and women would enjoy but might not discover because they are covered in pink or blue and labeled as male or female?

Honestly, I find the entire thing ridiculous. So many folks on social media click on an article that makes assumptions and draws conclusions that are simply not true. And now those folks are sharing articles that suggest Target is involved in some crazy politically correct agenda, when I believe it is just a way to simplify product placement and recognize that their customers are a diverse group of people with many different interests.

It angered me. But then I remembered…the internet.

Like so many movements and boycotts before this one, the outrage will die down when something new hits our newsfeed or when folks get tired of waiting in line behind 25 other patrons at one of those other stores, just because they decided to make sure all the “boy” bikes were blue and the “girl” bikes are pink.

As for me, I think I will leave my kiddos with a friend, pull out my handy dandy Cartwheel app, pay too much for a Venti Going-Straight-To-My-Thighs-Frappuccino, and have a leisurely stroll through the home goods aisle, where I can now shop for dinosaur and ballerina sheets in one convenient spot. Don’t be ridiculous…you know you want to join me!

Many Kind Regards,
Erin
Creator, Many Kind Regards


Never one to shy away from tough topics, check out why Erin also claims her kids won't ever wear seat belts!

I used to be a Christian. Most of my adult life, in fact, until a few years ago, I considered myself a believer. I attended regularly, prayed, worshiped, studied scripture. 

And then I had a major crisis of faith when my nephew, Brendon, died at the age of five from brain cancer. Words that were intended to console or support my family in our time of grief, shook my faith to it's core.

"He is in a better place." 

"Heaven must have needed an angel." 

"We don't ever understand the will of God." 

He was a child. A beautiful, smart, funny, kind, wonderful, perfect child. He fought aggressive brain cancer for a large portion of his precious little life. I decided if that was God's will, well then I just could not believe any longer. 
In the years since Brendon passed, we have attended church on occasion. My daughter wants to attend sometimes and is active in a youth group. She needs to find her own spiritual path, so I would never discourage her from that. But it has been hard for me to sit in a pew and listen to a sermon. 

Not always. There are times when I have sat there and enjoyed the message spoken, even gained some insight from the words. But, still. It is not something I seek out in my life. 

Beyond the walls of the church, I find myself surrounded by Christians. In my personal and family relationships, or in discussions online. I do not dislike anyone for their religious views, and don't shy away from interactions. It's just not something I can accept for myself. 

I also do not believe religion should be a part of our political climate. Yes, I believe in everyone's right to worship and believe how they would like. But I also believe in a person's right to be free of religion. Our country is diverse and made up of people from many different faiths. America can not serve all of her citizens if our laws are based on one religion. 

In the last few years, this political idea has become more important to me as I have learned from my friends in the LGBT community. I haven't always been a supporter of gay marriage. I simply didn't understand why it was an issue and my previous religious beliefs were still ingrained into my thinking: "It's wrong. It's not natural. Marriage is between a man and a woman." 

And then I met a woman who forever changed my outlook. Her name is Ashley. Now a military spouse, she has been committed to her wife for almost two decades, despite not being able to be legally married. This brave woman stood up against a system that told her family they were less than everyone else because of their sexual orientation. Told her that her support of her soldier wasn't as valuable as the support I gave my husband. Told her that her children were not really hers, even though she was their mother in every way that matters. 

Listening to her story changed me in a profound way. Not just from a political perspective... she helped me realize that listening is a skill I needed to hone. 

If you have followed me on Facebook for more than two minutes, you probably know I have been very vocal in my support of the gay community. My page is an open place for civilized, intense discussion frequently. 

When I first started talking about this issue, I spent a lot of time also listening to folks who had strong convictions against gay marriage. The vast majority of the opposition to equality, in my experience, comes from Christians who base their opinion on the matter in scripture. Homosexuality, according to the bible, is a sin. That's what I hear pretty frequently. 

Now, I won't get into a debate over scripture here. I am certain that will take place in the comments section, and I encourage that. What I will talk about is how so many Christians I see pushing back against equality have solidified my feelings about the church. I heard an awful lot of judgment, choosing to battle against one sin and not countless others, and it turned me off from ever considering a return to my faith. 

And then, something happened. My gay friends and their straight allies started to talk about their faith. 

At first, I was shocked. How did Christianity and support of gay rights even work? Wasn’t it going against the Christian faith to be accepting of gay marriage? Was that even possible?

Turns out, it is. Over the past few months I have had many conversations with people of faith that are opening my heart and mind to the possibility that I can revisit and regain my faith in Christ. I have witnessed acts of Christianity firsthand from believers that have, on occasion, brought me to my knees in a feeble attempt at prayer. I have heard gay friends talk openly about their faith. I have heard straight allies speak about how their FAITH requires them to support gay marriage.

No one is more shocked than I at this turn of events. I was certain that I would never return to my faith in any meaningful way. 

A couple of weeks ago I attended a gala in Washington, DC for the American Military Partners Association. This is a group of LGBT families and their allies who have fought hard to make sure that all of our service men and women get the support they need, no matter their orientation. All of the speakers moved me. Seeing a group of military and their spouses and partners, who had previously only been able to gain support through private chat rooms and hushed meetings, be able to celebrate and fellowship with one another openly, was a beautiful thing to be a part of. 

A featured speaker of the evening was Kristen Beck, a woman who was a decorated Navy Seal, and was once a man. Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. After telling a story of how she reached out to a person who may not have understood her life she said the following: “We have our fists closed too much. We’re not giving out smiles. Sometimes it’s us. I want this family to be bigger, I want to start bringing more people into it. We’re not gonna do it with lead, with guns, with anything else. We’re gonna do it with smiles, with handshakes. We’ll do it with friendship. We’ll do it bringing them in here and saying ‘This is us, this is who we are, we want you to be a part of our family.’ I love this family.” 

I don’t know what Kristen’s religious beliefs are. But I do know that I have listened to those people in my life who support her, advocate for her rights, and love her… and many of them are also Christians. I have heard them discuss their faith. I have seen their actions. It has given me pause to consider that my faith may not be lost forever. To consider taking my own spiritual journey to find it once again.

It is a message I hope many Christians will hear, no matter what side of the political debate surrounding gay marriage you find yourself on. “Regular” Christians drove me away from the church many years ago, but it is “Gay” Christians and their straight allies who are bringing me back.

If you want a family to grow, do it with friendship, smiles, handshakes… do it with love.
Many Kind Regards, 
Erin

Read next: Let Them Eat Cake... And Pizza

I have just spent the past three days in the Washington, DC area with some of the most powerful, inspiring and incredible individuals I believe this country has to offer. They also just happen to be members of a community I am proud to be a part of: the military spouse community.

This was a much needed trip for me on about 500 different levels. Some of those reasons were deeply personal and I am not yet ready to share those openly with whoever decides to click and read this post. But there are some that I just had to share, if for no other reason than my heart and mind need to release these experiences into the written word so that perhaps I will one day sleep again. 

On Thursday I attended the Town Hall sponsored by Hilton and hosted by Victory Media and the great folks at Military Spouse Magazine. In 2010 I was voted Marine Corps Spouse of the Year by my peers and was officially introduced to the MSOY program. It has been a life-altering experience, to say the least. Back then, it was a much smaller program, and a much smaller event. To see how it has grown does my heart good. (I have a whole lot to say about this, but you will just have to wait until my words about it are published over at Military Spouse — Yes, I know… what a tease!)

Friday I attended the Military Spouse of the Year awards luncheon, sponsored by Armed Forces Insurance, where the incredible Corie Weathers was named Military Spouse of the Year. Both events were powerful in their own right. But as I sit here today, I am overwhelmed by the small moments and seemingly insignificant events of the past few days. Things that, again, (like that first introduction to the MSOY family) will have a profound and deep impact on my life.

The small moments. The quiet moments.

Both of the events I attended took a lot of work. Teams of talented individuals spent countless hours making sure they all went off without a hitch, generous sponsors spent a great deal of money, and so many people flew in from all over the country to be a part of them. I am excited to share with you all the details of those moments at a later date. Both events were big, powerful moments. They harnessed the power of great people, all together in one room, one event… incredible experiences for the folks lucky enough to attend. 

But the quiet moments.

The experience of finally meeting individuals who have known each other for years due to the advancement of technology. People who I have grown to cherish, respect and love from our online and telephone interactions alone. Being able to reach out and touch them, sit across a table from them, simply be in the same room.

Sitting in a hotel bar with a small group of leaders in the military spouse community and having deep, meaningful conversation about the issues that many are afraid to speak about in a larger crowd. 

Connecting with people you may never have interacted with before, but know will now be in your life forever because of that one conversation over a few beers. Picking up a microphone and singing karaoke with a new friend.

Having a conversation with someone in person who you have only ever spoken to through a Facebook messenger program, and now understanding all those words typed just a bit better because you have now looked into their eyes.

Gaining understanding about life events that have affected you profoundly by the genuine embrace and conversations face-to-face about those life events. Words finally spoken in person because you knew they needed to be heard in that manner.

Sitting in my hotel room enjoying a burger with my Editor-in-Chief, Katie, who I had never had the privilege of hugging until yesterday, and feeling like we have done that a million times before. 

Listening to my AMSC singing sister, Deidra Stubbs, deliver the National Anthem at the luncheon, knowing the power of her voice, and being struck by the gentle and respectful delivery she chose for the event. 

Sitting next to a political leader in Washington, and sharing with her one of the biggest fears and challenges I have as a military spouse… that I have never written about or shared publicly. 

Silently (maybe not so silently) sobbing next to other leaders from our community as we listened to Taps being played at the Marine Barracks on 8th & I.

Watching my dearest friend, Kate Dolack, at the helm of an awards program that I believe is profoundly changing our community (and our country) for the better… and being overwhelmed with pride over her poise, eloquence and heart. 

The quiet moments.

You see, greatness is not always achieved in those grand events and big moments. Sure those things are amazing and I am always in awe of the incredible individuals in our community who are doing BIG things every single day. But the things that have the most lasting and meaningful impact on those around us are not always the things with the biggest spotlight. I truly believe that.

Every single one of has the ability to make a difference… in those every day, quiet moments. In the individual conversations and interactions we have with other human beings. The moments that may not be coming from the person in charge, the person who has achieved the most, or the person who is at the podium. When we take the time to listen, to share, to make a small gesture that will mean the world to the person receiving… or in many cases to the person giving… we are making an investment in each other, and changing lives. 

Don’t ever dismiss the impact you are having on the world if you are not the one doing the BIG things. Life is a compilation of a million different small, quiet moments. Individuals. Conversations. Interactions. Embraces. 

And those moments have a great deal of power. Power to change hearts and minds, to connect and make a profound impact. 

I am so grateful for those quiet moments today. 

The loudest voice is not always the most meaningful voice in the room…

Many Kind Regards,
Erin

The above is an excerpt from the latest column about the military community, written by Carl Forsling, United States Marine and senior columnist for Task & Purpose. Titled “The Military’s Problem With Political Correctness” it has many folks in the military community either agreeing with the message or pointing out all of the ways in which this writer is missing the mark. 

I find myself somewhere in between, which may surprise some of you. I do think that Carl makes some valid points, both in this article and the previous one that caused such a stir,  about a certain attitude of entitlement in today’s military community. I also vehemently disagree with some of the points he has made. At the end of the day, I support his right to express his views through his writing. 

Let me start with the words with which I don’t have a major difference of opinion.

Carl is right. There is a sense of entitlement in the military community. It took me a while to see this. Every single day I see the very best that the military community has to offer; I am surrounded by the most influential leaders in the military spouse world and the service members and veterans I know are incredible individuals. But in order to truly advocate for any community, you must also be willing to listen to those who have not had positive experiences. We have all heard the stories, many of us have experienced them first hand. Yes, there are those in the military community who behave poorly or have an elevated sense of entitlement. 

I also agree with Carl when he says, “Just because veterans have served doesn’t make them or their families perfect.” Absolutely. Veterans and their family members are human, and therefore not perfect. 

He also makes an important point that “the military community faces bonfire, serious issues.” He is right, again. Those are the things we should be focused on. 

Unfortunately those important points he makes are lost in a sea of sentiments that many feel are just plain wrong and presented in a way that I find to be somewhat angry. 

Mr. Forsling states, “Policing our own begins with correcting those embarrassing the military community.” The problem with this is two-fold. First of all, who is going to define these acts of embarrassment? The military community is diverse. What I may find embarrassing, is quite normal and acceptable to the next person. Secondly, the concept that we should “police our own” sounds a whole lot like expecting people to be responsible for the behaviors of others, simply because they share an affiliation. 

It is only my job to police myself, my children and perhaps close friends or family on occasion. If I know someone well and they are acting a fool, it might be appropriate for me to talk to them about it… and I might appreciate that in return. But, in no way, is it my job, or Mr. Forsling’s job, to police strangers behavior simply because he happens to be in the same community. Our military and their families have just as much right to not be perfect human beings as everyone else in this country. Frankly, I find the concept that any of us should police our neighbor to be the very definition of entitlement.

Let’s talk about entitlement for a moment. 

Is there a sense of entitlement in the military community? Sure. But why? Carl argues that “Today, we’ve overcorrected, and now just being critical of anyone or anything military is regarded as practically taboo.” I disagree. Entitlement is a problem across the board in ALL facets of American culture, and I believe that absolutely extends to our military community. We are no more overly sensitive than any other group around. We are expecting a correction of behavior from the military that we are not demanding across the board. 

Actually, it has been my experience that the majority of veterans and their families are incredibly hard working, service-oriented individuals. A bit opposite of entitled. It is also my experience that the civilian community does not see our military community as having a sense of “overactive entitlement.” That seems to be a label we have created among ourselves. 

But there are those few bad apples, right? 

This is where I think I disagree with Mr. Forsling the most. He claims that those military affiliated folks who are behaving badly are making the entire military community look bad. “The individuals acting like jackasses in public are truly the individuals harming the community at large, not those who talk about them.”

Actually… most people wouldn’t have a clue about these “jackasses” if writers were not writing articles in an attempt to police them. If there were not facebook groups dedicated to “publicly shaming” people who behave in an unsavory manner by calling them out for an audience of thousands. 

And when these folks are called out, people claim that their behavior is somehow proof that stereotypes are based in some kind of reality. No. Stereotyping says everything about the person doing it and NOTHING about the group that is being placed into one box because of the behavior of a few. If I look at a person and assume they will act a certain way based on the color or their skin, for example, that only shows my unwillingness to look at people as individuals. And that says a whole lot about me. Again, we should not place any blame or responsibility on anyone other than the person behaving badly. Period.

But there is one last thing I do finding myself agreeing with. “As a community, we need to focus on actual issues, not perceived slights.” Absolutely. I suspect that I read that sentence a little differently than Mr. Forsling intended. With all of the many problems facing our community, why would writers or individuals continue to focus on the bad behavior, sense of entitlement, or jackassery of a few people? Why wouldn’t we focus on supporting our veterans and their families with our vote? Why wouldn’t we focus on providing resources to help those with serious issues? Why wouldn’t we focus on starting conversations about how we can navigate the military life from start to finish and beyond? Why wouldn’t we respond to a narrative that turns people off because it sounds angry and a bit on the bitter side? 

Mr. Forsling, I submit to you that all of this IS happening and happening in a big way. I submit to you that you might be contributing to the larger image issue of the military you are convinced we are faced with, by using your platform to try and police the "problem." Many of the “critics” that made you feel like you couldn’t speak on this subject have dedicated their lives to advocating for the military community. They care for it deeply, as I am sure you do too. We are not blind to the few bad apples, but choose to focus on the many, many good people in our community. We may disagree with some of what you say, but still appreciate your service to this nation and your willingness to engage in conversation by sharing your views. 

Dear Carl Fosling: I may disagree with many of your words… but I fully support your freedom to say them. You are right, our veterans are not “delicate flowers” who need to “be protected from even imaginary slights.” As a soon to be veteran yourself, I have no doubt that the same applies to you. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing: to support and advocate for the real and serious issues within the military community.

Many Kind Regards,
Erin Whitehead

Okay, so it doesn’t quite have the same ring as a van down by the river, but it is Friday and it’s all I’ve got. The first day of May, the first day of the #MayWriteAway challenge, Karaoke night with the girls and beer. Oh, I do love a Friday.

We have been living in our RV for a little over two weeks now. Friends and family might be surprised to learn that I actually really like it. We now live in a new, 33 foot pull-behind and, to date, I haven’t had any thoughts of running away or setting the entire thing ablaze. I know many of you have probably lost money on the betting pool. I apologize.

It’s not really fair to those of you who thought for sure that I would be running for the hills by now. I mean, you know me. I hate camping. Hate. My idea of a vacation involves a Hilton, not sleeping among nature and all the icky things that entails. But this is different. We have a comfortable bed, wi-fi, a television, a kitchen and an indoor bathroom. I don’t know that I would actually call that “camping”… but we do now reside in a campground. So I guess you could say I am a regular outdoors maven at this point.

I am finding a lot of comfort in the simplicity of living this way. To move into this dwelling, we had to downsize, a lot. The military movers came and picked up our regular stuff and it is now sitting in storage somewhere, waiting for us to secure a house at our “forever home” location in Florida. But we still had to figure out what we would need for one Marine, one sometimes-high-maintenance-Mom who owns a company and is a professional performer, one teenager, one toddler and one dog. It was a challenge.

But I think we have succeeded. We all have what we need but not a lot of extras, and that makes life seem a whole lot less complicated. Of course, we didn’t go crazy. I still have at least a dozen pairs of shoes in this camper. I am not an animal. But, thanks to some creative command hook usage, they are all stored nicely and ready to wear. Sure, the toddler has too many toys and the teenager has too many clothes, but those things are kind of par for the course, right? Still… we are learning that we really need many less possessions than we thought we a necessity before.

I am a horrible housekeeper. Just dreadful, really. But so far, I am finding that keeping up with this camper is pretty manageable. Everything has a place because it has to. Things get put away at least once a day, maybe ten times a day… depending on how crazy the toddler has been. Laundry gets done all at once at the laundry room, and it gets folded and put away immediately so as not to become decoration for said toddler. We don’t have as much food around here (which I am hoping will pay off for my thighs at some point) so we end up eating what we have and not ending up with a fridge full of leftovers that will end up in the trash after I can’t identify them any longer. 

We are spending more time together because, well… we kind of have to. We are all watching the same TV show, because, well… we kind of have to. When I am working during the day, Emma is right here by my side doing “her work” because, well… we kind of have to. 

And I like it. 

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to do this forever. I am sure that, at some point, the novelty will wear off. I would be lying if I didn’t tell you I am really looking forward to my trip next week to DC where I have a hotel room all to myself.

The other night as I laid in bed I was listening to the complete silence all around me. It was peaceful. Well, until the reality of nature smacked me in the face as I listened to a pack of coyotes chase, attack and eventually kill what sounded like a wild turkey in the wooded area just behind the camper. Not exactly a soothing lullaby.

But I suppose, with the exception of the live Nat Geo episode outside the window, I am learning to love the simplicity of living in a small dwelling. I am enjoying the change of pace. I am enjoying the pleasant company of the people who are parked all around us. I am enjoying downsizing and being in a closer proximity to the people in my life who mean the most.

Who would have thought?


Many Kind Regards
Erin

For more information on the #MayWriteAway challenge, click here.
Photo Credit: Flickr

One of the most frequent questions I receive as an editor, writer and owner of an online publication is, “I can’t think of anything to write… how do you come up with things to write about?” And my answer is about as frustrating as the teacher who told you to look up a word in the dictionary when you asked her how it was spelled.

“Just write.”

But, BUT how can I write when I don’t know what to write about?

“Just write.”

BUT every time I sit down to write, nothing comes to me and I just stare at the screen.

“Just write.”

*Insert shaking fists and cursing*

Sometimes, I am the one shaking my fist and cursing at myself. 

We all get writer’s block from time to time. I am very much a “muse” writer, meaning that I write my best work when the spirit hits me…usually at 2:30 in the morning when I should be sleeping. My best work happens when I am moved to write because of an event, emotion, or new thought. It is really hard for me to sit down and write anything that falls out of that description. 

But, I am writer. And a writer…writes. I enjoy my craft, want to improve my skills, want to reach a larger audience, and ultimately be able to support our family with my writing career.

Writing is no different than any other craft. If you are a singer, you have to practice using your voice in order to achieve a more powerful instrument. If you are a runner, your feet must hit the pavement on a regular basis to improve your speed. If you are a painter, you must put brush to canvas in order to continue to produce works of art. 

But as writers, we sometimes fall into the trap of only writing when we feel like it. Using your own thoughts, ideas and words to create is a very intimate and personal experience. How can we sit down and write a great piece when our heart isn’t in it?

The answer is that we don’t. The answer is, “You need to write…. and sometimes you need to write crap.”

What?

That’s is right, writer. If you are stuck with nothing good to write, write the bad. You will only improve your craft if you write and you are not always stuck on needing to write well. You just need to write.

Okay, Erin. I get it. Just write. But about WHAT?

Anything, and everything. 

Write about the mess in your living room. 
Write about the dream you had last night. 
Write about the fact that you never dream. 
Write your thoughts on the first news story you see on your Facebook feed. 
Write about the picture you took of your children this morning.
Write about your love of coffee.
Write about your hatred of your thighs.

“Just write.”

Write it in your voice.
Write it in the voice of your worst enemy. 
Write it in the voice of your best friend.
Write it as three different characters.
Write it as the dog.

“Just write.”

And a magical thing will start to happen. All of a sudden you will find that you really do have something to say about that mess in your living room. That the character you developed in desperation to write about the hatred of your thighs, is really quite interesting. All of a sudden… you won’t be able to stop. And then?

“Keep writing!”

Here at Many Kind Regards, we created a challenge to get all of us writing…even when we don’t feel like it, don’t have anything to say, or when we are just staring at the screen in our pajamas with a pint of ice cream. (Okay, maybe that is just me.)

The #MayWriteAway Challenge!

During the month of May we are challenging you to commit to writing, a lot. Write at least 200 words a day, or a total of 8000 words for the entire month. 

As a part of this challenge, I have committed to writing each and every single day of the month and will publish no less than four pieces a week… good, bad, or…well, crap. I will publish my words. Hold on folks… my living room is quite the mess. And I plan to write about all of it.

Because I am a writer. And dang it, a writer writes, right?

Yes, yes we do.

We want to hear how you are doing with the #MayWriteAway challenge! Join our Facebook event, tweet us your updates (@manykindregards) or share the pieces you are writing on our Facebook Wall! 


Read more from Erin

Ever get to a point in your life when you throw up your hands and declare, “I have HAD it!” and then you open up a bottle of wine and declare that you are done with the “whole lot of them?” Recently I have had several of these moments in regards to behavior of people, claiming to be certified adult human beings, who are participating in a culture of hatefulness online. Some call it bullying, harassment, hate speech or just being a colossal jerk. Whatever you call it, I am talking about engaging in name-calling, public shaming, ridicule and otherwise nasty behavior online, behind the safety of your keyboard.

Folks being mean to each other is nothing new. The internet can’t even claim responsibility for it. Since the beginning of time people have been jerks. We are human, after all. But the internet does get to be the proud owners of nastiness that spreads like a wildfire and allows people who would never EVER say something to someone’s face to boldly declare, “Ha, ha, ha! You are an idiot. I disagree with your viewpoint, or the color of your pants, so I am putting you on blast right now and will make your life miserable for a bit!”

I ADORE the internet. I say this with absolutely no sarcasm or malice in my heart. It has afforded so many opportunities, has created a wealth of knowledge, and gives the human race a way to be connected like never before. Entire political movements affecting change have been launched, new business opportunities have arisen, life-long friendships have been formed… to name a few. 

And with all of that good I long ago accepted that there are some bad things that come a long with it. That is life. 

But lately…

Lately the trend of a culture of hatefulness online has seemed to reach a fever pitch. Everywhere you look on social media you see someone being hateful to another human being. You don’t even have to look for it anymore. Just simply open any social media platform, or read an article on ANY topic. And I mean ANY topic. One of these days I am going to follow through with my plan to write an article simply titled “The Sky is Blue”, wait for the disagreement to take hold, and count how many minutes it takes for someone to call me a name that should probably make me blush. 

Folks taking pictures of strangers who are not dressed to their standards, then plastering them all over the internet because then, maybe, that person will have more respect in the future. People commenting about the hairstyle of a political candidate, like somehow that will affect their ability to lead. Groups that perpetuate negative stereotypes about any group of individuals all the name of fun, because clearly that is the only way to combat negative qualities. Ridiculing anyone in the public eye for losing 20 pounds, gaining 20 pounds, or simply wearing an outfit that isn’t flattering, because that is how you encourage healthy eating. Individuals who don’t agree with an opinion piece calling the very character of a blogger into question and harassing them mercilessly so that other bloggers will think twice about sharing their viewpoint. 

I could spend the rest of my morning compiling this list, but you get the point. 

Why is this happening? We could probably spend the next ten years discussing the psychology of this issue. We could talk about how the anonymity of the internet emboldens many people to say things they might never voice in public. We could discuss the gang mentality and what happens when large groups of people engage in hateful behavior. We could analyze a million different things about our culture that perpetuate this disturbing trend.

But in this case, I am not sure that the “why” really matters anymore. There are many of us who are really tired of the trend and are no longer just willing to accept it as part of the price we pay to have this incredible tool called “The Internet” at our disposal. 

It’s not just about how the behavior is affecting individuals or even groups that are being targeted. For me, it speaks to a much larger problem: We are losing basic empathy for other human beings when we engage and accept this behavior. As a society I don’t think that is a healthy thing. For our children, I know that isn’t a healthy thing. 

I have a 13 year old daughter who is an amazing kid. Recently we were talking about bullying at school and she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks:

“You can’t say you are against bullying, and then just stand by and do nothing when you see it happening.”

Geez, kid. 

She is right. In the past I have just scrolled past ugliness and thought “Well, that is just the way it is.” I have seen friends post memes that tease another person, or share a post from a page putting someone on blast. I have allowed posts that cross the line on my page or on my website because I didn’t want to censor anyone. I have even probably laughed at hateful posts or may have even shared them myself in the past. You know, all in the name of good fun.

But it’s not just good fun anymore. It has gotten out of hand. And I think we have the ability and power as a society to stop it. Or at least bring it down a notch.

There is growing trend among middle and high school aged kids: They are changing the definition of the “in crowd” or the “popular kids” in their social circles. There is power in numbers and these kids are bravely speaking up about bullying and re-inventing “cool” to mean people who are more accepting of others and don’t engage in nasty behavior. They are saying, “That isn’t cool. Come join the popular kids… be kind to one another.” I see it with teenagers I know and with my daughter and her circle of friends every day.

Then we, as adults, engage in horrible behavior online. Anyone else think that is just a little bit backwards?

It is time to bring a little civility back to the internet. But how? It’s too far gone, right? We can’t make other people change, you say. It is the way it is and we should just accept it. 

No. I don’t believe that. It didn’t always use to be this way. There was a time when we didn’t treat one another this way. Where we didn’t engage in these behaviors. What if we decided to start making it “uncool” to behave this way online? If when we saw it we told folks that we could no longer be associated with their bad behavior? If we all agreed to stop liking pages that made fun of other people? If we all agreed to have civil debate that didn’t cross over to YELLING AT ONE ANOTHER or name-calling?

How about we re-invent the “in crowd” and make acting like adolescents (who seem to be doing a better job these days) the new popular trend. 

Call me naive, say that I am asking for the impossible… it’s okay. I can handle it. But I think it is time for us to all bring it back to a time when we treated each other with more respect. I am committed to a #BeKindRewind movement. #InternetCivilityIsNotDead… it is no longer acceptable for us just to stand around, say we are against it, and then do nothing to stop it when it right in front of our face. 

Who is with me?