In Regards To...

Many Kind Regards...
My life as an issued Marine Wife, fantastically imperfect Mother and
Aunt Erin to heaven's most precious Angel.

In Regards To...
Welcome to MKR's brand new advice column!! Here is the place to ask me those all important questions like "How will I survive this deployment without a visit to rehab?" or "Why do I feel like a mail-order bride as I await homecoming?". You can also ask about motherhood, living on one military income, pretty much whatever you feel compelled to inquire about. I can guarantee the advice will be free, but make no promises that it will be perfect in any way, shape or form. At the very least, it will be fun, so e-mail me today and start asking away!!! Questions will be answered right here on this page, so check back soon!

Dear Erin,
I married my Marine 5 years ago at the age of 18. (We met when I was 15 and married at 18). My husband constantly complains about his job and goes out frequently; leaving me at home with our kids. He has never fed, bathed, or changed our children since the day they were born, yet he acts as if he is juggling some amazing work load?! He goes to work, plays G.I. Joe and then comes home to a perfect life! At least 3 nights a week he is out with friends until 3 am, (because he is so stressed). He comes home drunk and I have another child to babysit. Yet the entire time, he tells me..."You don't work, so what do you have to complain about"? How, as a military wife, do you balance the power struggle between his work and home life? How do I know when our marriage cannot survive this lifestyle anymore?

Signed,
Giving up hope!

Dear Giving Up Hope…

In regards to your question, thank you for being brave enough to seek out answers to these very real and important concerns. It appears there might be some issues that are related to your husband’s job as a Marine, but I do not believe that is the source of your problems. Yes, military personnel are under a terrible amount of stress right now. Yes they deploy frequently and work long, many times frustrating hours. But as a military spouse, you are sharing in many of those stressors, AND you are a full-time mother! Never underestimate the enormity of that job in itself! Your job may not pay a dime, but it is just as important as the work your husband does.

There is nothing wrong with going out and having a few drinks with friends (even until 3 am), but when do YOU get to have this time off to “de-stress”? Marriage is a partnership, not a babysitting service. And even though he is young, your husband is old enough to make babies, drink alcohol and fight for his country…he is certainly old enough to help with the care of his own children. In my opinion, it is time for you to assert yourself in this power struggle you mention. But how in the world do you do that?

First of all, I am going to suggest you make a call to Military One Source. They are a great resource that offers free, confidential services to military members and their dependents. On their website (www.militaryonesource.com) you will find a wealth of resources offered, and their phone number. One of the services they offer is 12 FREE sessions with a civilian counselor, per year for you, your husband…or the two of you together. You simply call MOS, and a very friendly person on the other end will listen to the reason you want counseling, and guide you through the steps in accessing your free benefit. Again, what you share with them is confidential, no one will know…including your husband’s command. If at all possible, get your husband to attend therapy with you. Now, I understand that is rarely an easy task, but the folks at MOS can help give you advice on the best way to approach him about this. If he does not agree to counseling, you can still take advantage of this benefit for yourself…and I highly recommend you do just that.

In the meantime, try and arrange a time for the two of you to have some time alone “to talk”. This is where being a military couple can complicate matters. Timing is hard when you are married to The Corps. It may not be ideal to have a gut-wrenching discussion about the state of your marriage the week before he deploys. Of course the day he comes home is no good either. And then of course you run into weeks of being in the field, or nights standing duty. But you must find a time to bring all this up to him. If you have to write it down so that you get all your thoughts organized, than by all means do so. Let him know that having “this talk” is of the highest priority right now and that you will not take no for an answer. During this discussion you can concede that neither of you will find the solution to your problems in one night, so further communication (aka counseling) is necessary. Tell him that you will no longer allow him to make you feel inadequate and that you are confident that you are doing a great job raising your kids and being a military spouse. Let him know that you still love him, but are unwilling to be his babysitter any longer, because you believe he is more capable than that. And above all let him know that your highest priority is your children and that you will not continue to set a poor example for them.

I do not like ultimatums, but it may be time for you to INSIST that he seek to remedy these problems with you. Marriage is hard work, which you are aware of because you have been a part of one for 5 years…no small feat. After all that time, certainly there are still things that you both love and adore about each other…perhaps the stress of this “lifestyle” is just getting in the way and one of you needs to reach out in order to stop the cycle. Whatever the case may be, you must remember that in order to solve a problem in any relationship, BOTH people must be willing to make an effort. And they must be willing to make that effort on the other person’s behalf…not just their own.

I really believe you should try every avenue to repair this marriage unless there is abuse that you haven’t mentioned, (in which case I suggest you seek immediate help through a women’s shelter). But, if you put forth your best effort, use all the resources available and there is still no change in your situation, it may be time to evaluate what is ultimately best for you and your children. You must decide what example you want to set for them, based on your values, and make a decision from there. At the end of the day, you may be a wife, military spouse, etc…but the most important title you will ever hold is “Mom”.

Many Kind Regards,
Erin

Dear Erin,

In all of your infinite wisdom, I come to you with a concern, a question; if you will. Being that the Marine Corps is such a small branch and we are most likely going to see familiar faces at new duty stations; how do you remove yourself from a group of 'friends', or be it a single 'friend' without burning bridges? I mean this: I have been to several duty stations in my life as a Marine spouse, and have struggled so much to go out on a limb to make friends, keep friends that aren't really that 'healthy' for me, all in the name of not being ALONE here. In my ripe old age of 29 (don't make that face), I am just now coming to the conclusion that I can no longer harbor these unhealthy relationships. I wish to separate myself from these women, but still remain 'proper' due to the fact that I know I will see them again, and of course other factors that come with being associated as a volunteer on base. PLEASE I beg of you, shed some light for me!

Sincerely,
Hurt and Burnt

Dear Hurt and Burnt,

In Regards to your dilemma about some unhealthy relationships, let me first start out by telling you that we have all been there (and that I appreciate your humorous thought about my wisdom being infinite in the least)! Women are very susceptible to this situation, military and civilian alike. We can fix these relationships that have required so many hours of our lives, so much of our heart, right? Well the reality is, that there are some (and in the past few years I have determined: quite a few more than “some”) relationships that cannot and SHOULD not be saved; no matter how much was invested in them. When a friendship starts to rob you of joy, you do not have to engage in it any longer on a personal level. I say personal because of course, if you have to work or deal with someone on a regular basis, you may not be able to completely sever this individual’s ties from your life. But you can “relate” to them on a surface level…only spend the required time, perform any necessary duties in their company, and reveal very little about your personal life. In other words, have a professional relationship with them. You can still be amicable, just “remove” yourself from any intimate friendship you may have with that person. Now this also means that you should avoid gossip about this person, and at all costs avoid drama. Walk, walk away.

After being married to a Marine for 10 years, I understand that military spouses find themselves in this situation a lot, and sometimes we are afraid to act. We continue to hold onto relationships that are unhealthy for a variety of reasons. You mentioned a big one, which is: not wanting to feel ALONE. When you move frequently from coast to coast, overseas or even just from one base housing neighborhood to another…making friends can seem daunting, even when you know it is an essential part of your survival as a MS (military spouse). But how do you make meaningful, trustworthy and lasting friendships on the fly? I wish that I had that “infinite wisdom” to impart for you…I wish I could give you the magical formula so that you would always pick only the very best friends and never again become hurt. Unfortunately I can’t guarantee that for you anymore than I can for myself, even though I can tell you that it becomes easier with time. And I will tell you that in my ripe old age of almost 35 (don’t YOU make that face), I have learned that it is better to have one or two close friends who really know you, who are trustworthy, and with whom you share the same values in life…than to be Ms. Popularity. I have learned that if you can go to sleep at night knowing that your intentions are good ones, then don’t give any of the gossip a second thought. (That is a hard one, I won’t lie.) And I have learned that everyone is different, and that none of us are “required” to like anyone else…no matter their rank or that of their spouse. We may have to volunteer, work, or play nice…but we do not have to spend our precious time and energy fostering friendships with people who are not good for us.

And lastly, let’s just talk about those bridges for a moment. Sometimes they need to burned, because they protect you from walking back into a bad situation again. You mentioned volunteering. I am a HUGE advocate of giving your time and talents because I know that it makes me a better human being and has helped me to heal in so many different areas of my life. But remember that in our ever changing community (the one of a MS) that one person who may be making your volunteer time unpleasant, will probably PCS someday, and if not…you will! If it is a cause you are passionate about, don’t let someone else push you out of a situation where you are doing good work for something you hold dear. Stay the course, on a professional level. If this does not work for you, and getting out of the situation is what you really crave, then perhaps there is another volunteer opportunity that you could pursue for a while. Believe me when I tell you that there is not a shortage of organizations that need your willing spirit to help others! It is true that the Marine Corps is a small branch and sometimes that can mean an unhealthy relationship can follow you to a new duty station. But it also means that your reputation can follow you as well. Do what you know is right, stand up for what you believe, surround yourself with positive people and continue to be a woman of character. I honestly believe that in the grand scheme of things, this positive reputation will be the thing that follows you around…no matter where The Corps sends you next. And remember, you take it with you…the movers can’t dent or scratch it at all!!!

Many Kind Regards,
Erin