I have come to the realization that I'm completely alone. Not so much physically, but emotionally. Does that make sense? I felt like this often growing up. Outnumbered is the word that comes to mind. My parents had each other, as did my three brothers. Me? I was the only daughter. I always felt out of place. Odd man (or should I say, girl?) out.
It's always been hard for me to make friends. To this day, I have few that I really keep up with. A select few who know my deepest, darkest fears. As it usually goes when it comes to military spouses, however, I eventually have to leave them all behind. Still, out of sight doesn't mean out of mind - and these days I really miss them.
It's always been hard for me to make friends. To this day, I have few that I really keep up with. A select few who know my deepest, darkest fears. As it usually goes when it comes to military spouses, however, I eventually have to leave them all behind. Still, out of sight doesn't mean out of mind - and these days I really miss them.
Lately, I've been depressed. My husband can see it, I can feel it, and we're both pretty tired of it, especially since most days I'm a moody mess. I'm at a point in my life where I am finally healthy and thriving, medically speaking. So, why don't I feel relief? I should be thrilled, but I'm not. I mean, it's not everyday you beat cancer! It just doesn't quite feel like an accomplishment yet.
My emotions really got the best of me a few days ago; I cried, pouted, and told my husband how crazy I felt, but that maybe all I needed was a break. Almost instantly I thought, "How selfish of you, Jeanette. These kids are your life, you love and cherish them. You shouldn't need a break!" Still, there I was at the kitchen table, distraught and confused at my own emotions. Staring, with eyes burning at my husband, who was busy making plans to fish, jealous at his unwavering dedication to the sport (if you can call it that), and the fact that he had friends to share it with.
That was when he decided to set me up on a play date. It might sound extremely inappropriate, except it's not - it's pathetic."This is what we'll do," he said, "I'll call my friend and see what his wife is doing this weekend. You and her can hang out while him and I take the kids fishing."
That was when he decided to set me up on a play date. It might sound extremely inappropriate, except it's not - it's pathetic."This is what we'll do," he said, "I'll call my friend and see what his wife is doing this weekend. You and her can hang out while him and I take the kids fishing."
It’s always the same - half the time, it's my first time meeting a person and they already know more about my life than I'm comfortable sharing | How could I tell him no? As much as I like her and I want a friend, how could I explain that I'm not ready? See, in my mind, all I imagined happening was what happens with almost every other person I encounter. She’d ask how I'm doing. She’d ask what's next. Am I in remission? She’d tell me how hard it must have been, how brave I am, and then try extremely hard to sympathize. It’s always the same - half the time, it's my first time meeting a person and they already know more about my life than I'm comfortable sharing, let alone discussing. |
What I really want is to just talk about Grey’s Anatomy and McDreamy's sudden drop from the show. My ideal "friend date" is a movie night in with a glass of wine, cheesecake and popcorn (because who says you can't pair them?), laughter that brings tears to my eyes, good food and great company, my family and hers. Why can’t I just have a friend I’m already comfortable with?
It would help if I'd been invited and my husband hadn't set me up. I'm the type of person who strongly dislikes invading someone’s space, maybe because I need my own space. Also, I’m extremely awkward. I don't do well in most social situations. He can't just drop me somewhere and go. I can't do it alone. Not right now.
While I want friends, I don't want someone to be a friend because they feel sorry for me. Would it be horrible if right now I just said, "I honestly don't want friends, I'm simply not ready?" I just want some time to pick up the pieces of my broken puzzle and put it back together. Patiently. I don't want to feel pressure or stress. New friendships can be hard work and I'm not sure I want anyone to get to know THIS version of me. Most days, I don't even want to leave the house. Maybe I just want to wallow.
Yes, I know it sounds absurd because I was the one complaining, so maybe I don't quite know what I want. I just know I need to figure it out on my own. Play dates won't help, really. Still, I appreciate his trying - It's nice to know I have his support.
I just need everyone to give me a moment.
Many Kind Regards,
Jei
Emotional distress is often invisible to outsiders. Read about other invisible beasts here.
Original image credit: Nelson L. Flickr
It would help if I'd been invited and my husband hadn't set me up. I'm the type of person who strongly dislikes invading someone’s space, maybe because I need my own space. Also, I’m extremely awkward. I don't do well in most social situations. He can't just drop me somewhere and go. I can't do it alone. Not right now.
While I want friends, I don't want someone to be a friend because they feel sorry for me. Would it be horrible if right now I just said, "I honestly don't want friends, I'm simply not ready?" I just want some time to pick up the pieces of my broken puzzle and put it back together. Patiently. I don't want to feel pressure or stress. New friendships can be hard work and I'm not sure I want anyone to get to know THIS version of me. Most days, I don't even want to leave the house. Maybe I just want to wallow.
Yes, I know it sounds absurd because I was the one complaining, so maybe I don't quite know what I want. I just know I need to figure it out on my own. Play dates won't help, really. Still, I appreciate his trying - It's nice to know I have his support.
I just need everyone to give me a moment.
Many Kind Regards,
Jei
Emotional distress is often invisible to outsiders. Read about other invisible beasts here.
Original image credit: Nelson L. Flickr
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