I don’t want to be an inspiration. I just want to live.
I’m just an unlucky lady who got sick. I’m doing what I can to stick around for a while longer because leaving an unfinished life is not something I want to do.
It’s sweet and very kind but trust me there is nothing heroic about it.
These days, I can’t even sleep.
I can’t stop thinking of “him”. I guess it’s the price I’ve got to pay for the decisions that I’ve made. My heart aches, there’s nights when I can’t even close my eyes without picturing what could’ve been. I wonder what other women in this situation would say, or do.
Since receiving my Hodgkins Lymphoma diagnosis I’ve undergone no treatment yet. None but the DNC that ended a life before it could even be started. I knew it would be hard but I couldn’t fathom this.
I’m sitting here bright and early because, like yesterday, sleep escapes me. I was up at 1am, 3am and again at 5am, before I finally decided to just stop trying. I’m watching silently now as my daughter and son both rush to get ready for school and I wonder, had I been sick 9 or 5 years ago, if I’d have made the same decision. I try to picture what my life would be like without one or the other, I can’t. Just like I’m having trouble picturing life now after this, except now I have no choice.
I feel guilty for robbing someone of a future. I’m sad at a loss that I brought upon myself and I’m angry that I had to make this call.
Although ultimately I know I made the right decision for my health, I can’t say I’m happy with it. I guess for now all I can do is try to move forward. I’ve scheduled surgery and soon I’ll be receiving chemo treatment. I know it won’t be easy but I’ll get through it. Then again, if for some reason I don’t, I know someone will be up there waiting for me.
I have your brother and sister after all who still need me here… and your dad, who may be lost without me.
I never wanted to be an inspiration. I just wanted to live. I just wanted to be your mom.
Many Kind Regards,
She might not think she's an inspiration, but her strength and honesty inspire us all. Read Jeanette's cancer confessions here.
original photo credit: Guian Bolisay Flickr