Original Photo Credit: Flickr
I have two children, and by virtue of them being children, they do say the darnedest things. Add a little bit of autism and Tourette’s Syndrome into the mix, and a highly intelligent, precocious 9-going-on-35-year-old, and you have a motherhood comedy of errs. Here are my top ten children say the darnedest things zingers:
9. Speaking of Jesus, “Jesus loves you.” My son, being burdened with Tourette’s, would often belt out swear words. His favorite curse word was Jesus Christ Almighty. He would literally scream it at the base chapel. And I would be the good parent, and correct him by saying, “Jesus loves you.” My daughter would hear Jesus loves you constantly. And one day we were walking into a commissary. Behind us, there was a general grade military officer who was in the middle of a rage filled curse fest on his cell phone. I instantly felt horrible for the poor person on the other end. And then my daughter said loudly to the irate general, “Excuse me, it’s Jesus loves you.”
Well, my daughter’s interruption was actually taken quite well, because he stopped his conversation and just started to laugh. He thanked her for correcting him, and told her, “Jesus most assuredly loves you.”
8. Speaking of swearing, “Son of b#(*% sh$(, f#*&.” My son’s most favorite game was how to make mommy laugh with various combinations of swear words in embarrassing places. We have church, we have the theater, but the all-time most embarrassing moment was at the commissary when someone decided to call security forces on him for abusing me. I learned later the more attention you give a child with Tourette’s and autism, the louder and more insistent they become about saying what they are saying. You see, blurting out things is not uncontrolled, but it’s very hard to contain. My son fights to contain his outbursts, when he was younger he didn’t nearly fight as hard, and he always was a comedian. He saw the police officer’s as a challenge. When they approached me at the commissary instead of calming down and stopping the swearing, it increased in volume and intensity. The entire experience turned me off from shopping at the commissary until we got to our current duty station, where the commissary manager allows me to go ahead in line, because he recognizes not all developmental delays are apparent.
7. Teacher: “Susie, what do you collect?” Susie: “I collect wine corks, my mom loves wine.” I was called into a conference last year at school. Apparently my daughter has an unnatural knowledge about alcohol. She told the teacher how to mix the perfect Margarita. She also pointed out the difference between a Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio. Embarrassingly enough, she brought the corks to school, and she showed the teacher my favorite wine. Only she didn’t tell the teacher that I liked such-and-such vineyard. Oh no, my darling Susie got specific. She told my daughter’s teacher that I liked Menage Et Trois (also known in America as a “three-some”).
6. “Look at the crocus, do you see the crocus?” When my son was in preschool, they went to a greenhouse. My son hated every minute of it. He was frightened half to death of the plants. The teacher tried to calm him down by telling him to look at the crocus. So every now and again, he will yell out at the top of his lungs, “Look at the crocus, see the crocus.” Often there were no crocus around, but I promised him when we are stationed somewhere where I can grow crocus we will have crocus.
5. “Mom, I really hate Christmas lights.” This was invoked a few nights ago while we were in the process of seeing Christmas lights. For an 8-year-old, my daughter is pretty religious. She asked for an angel that my friend makes for Christmas, and likes to have a crucifix hung in her room. During mass earlier, the priest spoke about Christmas lights, and stated that they were a representation of the light of Christ, who was coming in a few days for Christmas. Once she had told me about her disdain for seeing Christmas lights, I asked her what the priest had said earlier during mass. She replied, “I don’t know, I don’t ever listen to what he says.”
4. “You’re a diarrhea poop.” The latest, and greatest thing my son has started doing is requesting songs be sung, and then plugging his ears and telling us to stop singing. Thank goodness I have a blooming career in writing, and my husband is a combat pilot, otherwise we would be shoo-ins for “The Voice.” When we stop singing, we inform my son that he is a poop. He then counters with adding adjectives to poops.
3. “When I grow up I’m going to be a flying therapist.” Over the summer, after my husband took command, we did a road trip up to Minnesota for a few weeks to visit with family and just have a great time. It was a nice respite from the oppressive heat and humidity of Florida. During the trip, my husband visited a few of his geographically separated units, and we got to “fly” in a B-2 Spirit simulator. It was a blast. My daughter was waffling between being a “Therapy Girl” (in other words, an ABA therapist that works with children on the autism spectrum), or an Air Force pilot. She decided to combine the two and be a flying therapist. She will kind of be like the flying nun, but not really like the flying nun.
2. “Mom can I go to the movie too?” Of all the funny moments that I experience with my children, the most poignant moments are the moments when my son speaks with the clarity of a child who does not have autism, epilepsy, ADHD, and Tourette’s syndrome. This morning was one of those moments. There are days when he has school, but his sister does not. We were planning on going to see the final “Hobbit” movie with our daughter. My son found out about it, and said straight out, “I want to go too.” Moments like this are sometimes few and far between. When you see them, you celebrate by letting your child play hooky from school one day and be a typical kid.
1. “There’s nothing wrong with my brother, he is the only normal one.” One afternoon when we first arrived in Florida, the move here was a rough one. My son was starting to display symptoms of a seizure disorder, and the school district was not being supportive. The situation had gone nuclear a few weeks into the school year. I had taken my son out of school yet again to avoid a particularly toxic teacher, who we suspect was neglecting our child. I have a handicapped placard for him, due to his multiple medical conditions. We parked at the commissary parking lot. There are a limited number of handicapped parking spots, so I was stoked that I got one. To my dismay, a person, who believes that invisible disabilities should not garner a spot (despite the fact that my son could have a life-ending seizure), asked us (myself and my daughter), “what’s wrong with him that you guys get to park there?” My daughter, who sometimes is my biggest adversary, is also my biggest hero and said, “my brother is perfect, what’s wrong with you?” The woman then got snotty about how could I let my daughter speak to an elder that way. Before I could mumble some kind of smart assed response, my daughter added, “There’s nothing wrong with my brother, he’s the only normal one.”